I've had a long-life issue with getting lost. It's no secret to anyone who knows me. I could get lost in a dark closet if you spun me around twice.
Last year's personal word for the year was "Find" but that feels like it was all wrong. Instead of finding stuff and making better use of what I have, I've had a confusing, scary, and very insecure year. Not a disasterous year. Some of my friends have suffered much worse - i.e. a devastating flood, a cancer diagnosis, that kind of disaster that is much worse than the ups and downs I've experienced. But even knowing that others have it worse doesn't always help. I just feel lost.
And this year has really sucked in a lot of ways. My husband has been unemployed, then employed on a contract job for a few months, and now that the budget cuts are tight again at year's end, he's unemployed again.
My daughter has gone off to college - but things haven't been easy for her either. It's been a difficult and turbulent transition. I'm proud that she's trying to find her own way, even when it's a big struggle - she's pushing ahead and fighting very hard to make a new life for herself.
The weight and fitness routine that I was so proud of for the past two years have somehow fallen by the wayside in the past 6 months or so. I'm really not eating crazy or bingeing or anything like that - I just keep gradually packing on more and more weight as my stress level rises. It's almost like my body is rebelling saying, "No, I'm not going to stay thin, I'm going to hold onto everything I absorb and keep it." What's up with that? Weird.
I don't want to whine. I really don't and that's not the purpose of this posting.
I just need to start pondering my word for next year and I'm almost afraid to. I've never looked onto a new year with downright dread or fear before, but that's how I'm feeling.
Thank goodness for spinning. It's the only thing that really relaxes and calms me anymore.
One insightful thing I read today on Belief.com is that a car's GPS only asks you two things - 1) where are you now; and 2) where do you want to go? Your GPS records where you want to go and alerts you when you are off course.
For a long time, I've been recording what I eat and how much I exercise, but maybe I really need to take a closer look at where I've gone off course and sabotaged myself. I must be getting off the route in many different areas of my life.
Time to reevaluate the goals I've set for myself and see how I'm getting off course.
Maybe next year I don't need a word? Maybe I just need to listen to what that inner GPS says, and instead of putting it on "mute" I need to turn up the volume and listen a lot more.
3 comments:
oh i think we're living parallel lives only you're so much more eloquent at describing it all.
my hugs arent much help but it's all i have to offer.
Sorry you're feeling scared about the future. I remember back at the end of 2009 I was glad to get through that tough year, and was hopeful for a better year in 2010. Unfortunately this has been another difficult year for so many of us, and I think the prolonged hard times eventually wear us down and make it harder to be optimistic about what's ahead. But things have GOT to get better sooner or later, right? I think you've got the right idea with the focusing on one thing at a time (you wrote about it a couple posts ago). Maybe that's key to getting through to the other end of this tunnel -- take one day at a time, eliminate distractions, and maintain connections with friends who can support you. Sending you big hugs across the miles....
You are loved. Miss you!
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