Monday, July 24, 2006

Finding My Inner Compass


I received a weird message in a fortune cookie the other day. Since I couldn't EAT the damned fortune cookie, I paid particular attention to the advice inside. I'm desperately looking for guidance now, and this fortune cookie just happened to have a message that hit me nearly as intensely as my own desperation.


Good, that's good. But how does one do that anyway? Rely on the inner compass. Right now, I don't know if I can even FIND my inner compass, what's more follow it.

I've been meditating on that for a couple of days now. While in the midst of my ill-fated job search five months ago, I tried making lists of the "Pros and Cons" of each job choice. Obviously, I ended up selecting the wrong one. So now what? How do I go about choosing this time? I have less options at the moment, but two possibilities are pulling at me. There's a lot of fear coming up for me. I feel teary and scared. Why?

I'm very scared of making another mistake. I'm middle aged now. I should know what I want to be when I grow up already for God's sake. I should "be it" already damn it. I'm too old to keep floundering.

I'm also feeling a desperate need to declutter my house. It's such a mess. The basement is piled high with crap I don't know what to do with. Maybe if I get rid of the clutter, I'll become clearer about what direction to go in. I've never been this messy and disorganized in my entire life. Probably the outer environment reflects in inner turmoil.

I'm studying for an exam right now that I need to take for one of the job possibilities. So I need to put the knitting aside. Put the blogging aside, get away from the computer for a while.

One thing that occurred to me in meditation this morning is that I need to move forward. Maybe not by deciding quite yet, but by physicially moving and walking. After I study for a few hours, a visit to the park and the labyrinth in my "peaceful place" will help me walk through some confusion.


Restless Knitter said...

We're in a somewhat similar situation right now. I think it's going to boil down to just doing what feels right, which still isn't an easy decision to come to. We're scared of what's going to happen, but I guess we'll just have to make the best of whatever happens.

I can tell you from experience that decluttering does help, or at least it has for me in the past, but I couldn't say exactly why. Maybe it's with each thing we throw out, we clean out a thought. Maybe it just makes us feel better about ourselves because being able to see a part of our living space more clearly, we can think more clearly.

I truly believe that everything happens for a reason, whether we like that thing or not. Perhaps you had to take the wrong choice first, in order to get to the right one.

Good luck with the exam :)

Anonymous said...

Hi Chelle,

Now I KNOW we are kindred spirits! I am in the most messy and disorganized period of my life, too! And I need to think of some direction to go (to bring in some $) after this animation job is over (they recently gave me an end date of Sept. 15 - only about 2 months left!).

I took someone's advice and Googled "Freeform Crochet" in Google Images and the first scrumble I clocked on was from the thread on FF in Knitter's Review! I realized how long it's been since I read the thread and there are 4 pages now!

I see that some of you have been giving advice on starting a blog, which I desperately want to do, too! So, thanks for the advice, good luck with the decluttering (you have a basement! I'm so jealous!) and keep up the creative knitting and freeform!

KIm Burk

ChelleC said...

Thanks, you both make me feel so much better just knowing that I'm not alone in this mind-numbed state. I feel like there's just a mental fog out there, obscuring the path ahead. I hope the fog lifts soon for all our sakes - good luck with your respective "big decisions".

Laura said...

Ah, you're low-carbbing it too? Hubs and I 'rebooted' our diets today, doing Phase 1 of South Beach. I don't want cake and cookies so much as rice and potatoes. Yummmmm. The photos I'm in are very inspiring to put down the pitchfork of food. :P

I'm positive you'll do fine on your exam. As much as you're studying, you can't help but win.

In feng shua, a cluttered house equals a cluttered life. For me, decluttering just one thing is very satisfying. It means I have control over at least ONE thing in my life. There's nothing more wonderful than bulky item pickups in Kansas City.

Maenwyn said...

I hate clutter, too. I have so little energy to de-clutter, but every day I work just 1/2 hour. I can handle that. Then I sit and look through books and magazines, putting them in a special, marked box. Kntting, crochet, toss. It's hard for me to toss, but I can give them away. That's the thing that keeps me going. I give them to the nursing home near me. The ladies are so happy with them.

Elysbeth said...

Oh Honey, thank you for climbing out on that limb and sharing with us. It helps to know we're all in it together. For the clutter issue, look at and Karen Kingston's book Clear your Clutter with Feng Shui. I've never being into Shui (behind the trend) but LimeNViolet recommended it and I'm hooked! A quote from the fly leaf "clutter is stuck energy that has far-reaching effects physically, mentally, emotionally, and spirtually. the simple act of clearing clutter can transform you life by releasing negative emotions, generating energy, and allowing you to create space in your life for the things you want to achieve." The part about Using Clutter to suppress emotions really made me see where I got stuck in life. Ouch!

Thinking good thoughts for you.