Monday, July 24, 2006
Finding My Inner Compass
FINDING MY INNER COMPASS
I received a weird message in a fortune cookie the other day. Since I couldn't EAT the damned fortune cookie, I paid particular attention to the advice inside. I'm desperately looking for guidance now, and this fortune cookie just happened to have a message that hit me nearly as intensely as my own desperation.
YOU'RE AT YOUR MOST POWERFUL WHEN YOU RELY ON YOUR INNER COMPASS.
Good, that's good. But how does one do that anyway? Rely on the inner compass. Right now, I don't know if I can even FIND my inner compass, what's more follow it.
I've been meditating on that for a couple of days now. While in the midst of my ill-fated job search five months ago, I tried making lists of the "Pros and Cons" of each job choice. Obviously, I ended up selecting the wrong one. So now what? How do I go about choosing this time? I have less options at the moment, but two possibilities are pulling at me. There's a lot of fear coming up for me. I feel teary and scared. Why?
I'm very scared of making another mistake. I'm middle aged now. I should know what I want to be when I grow up already for God's sake. I should "be it" already damn it. I'm too old to keep floundering.
I'm also feeling a desperate need to declutter my house. It's such a mess. The basement is piled high with crap I don't know what to do with. Maybe if I get rid of the clutter, I'll become clearer about what direction to go in. I've never been this messy and disorganized in my entire life. Probably the outer environment reflects in inner turmoil.
I'm studying for an exam right now that I need to take for one of the job possibilities. So I need to put the knitting aside. Put the blogging aside, get away from the computer for a while.
One thing that occurred to me in meditation this morning is that I need to move forward. Maybe not by deciding quite yet, but by physicially moving and walking. After I study for a few hours, a visit to the park and the labyrinth in my "peaceful place" will help me walk through some confusion.